Some Thoughts on Life & Living

	If life were like the movies

Fifty things that the movies wrongfully insist are true...

Good people are better able to judge the leaping distance between two rooftops than bad people.

Good people are also better at calculating the best time to cross railway lines in a speeding automobile.

It is a relatively simple business to render someone unconscious with a blow to the head.

In ancient times, Oriental people were capable of flight and zero gravity combat.

Every group of American college friends includes a fat oaf who never stops eating.

The material used to cover the roofs of remote village settlements in the past was highly flammable.

Handguns can fire at least 100 rounds before needing to be reloaded.

Flesh wounds don't hurt very much.

Aliens will never 'come in peace'.

Normal people can hold their breath underwater for five minutes.

All prostitutes are gorgeous.

All really powerful computers have a cozy acronym but will ultimately turn evil if faced with deactivation.

When fleeing through woodland women are more likely to trip on a concealed root than men.

Men suffering from hangovers will have stubble on their chin.

All divorced partners talk in witty repartee.

The last few weeks of a retiring policeman's career are by far the most dangerous.

It's easy to run along the roof of a speeding train.

Good people falling from a high building will ultimately be saved by the awning of a Chinese restaurant.

Bad people falling from a high building will ultimately land on the roof of an expensive car.

When driving along a straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel in a random manner.

Any European man with a muscular physique is invincible.

All Orientals have a working knowledge of martial arts.

Broken families are easily mended if there is a cute child involved.

A knock to the head will cause memory loss... another knock will restore it.

Banana skins are slippery.

Having sex in an isolated log cabin greatly enhances your chances of being murdered that same night.

The best computer geniuses in the world are all employed by terrorist organizations bent on taking over the world.

...and the leader of any such organization will own a cat.

Bomb disposal experts are seldom as successful in their work as maverick 'cut-the-red-wire' cops.

The internet is really exciting.

All prison governors are immoral, sadistic bastards.

Single millionaires can fund grander projects than huge multinational corporations.

All letters are mentally read in the voice of the sender.

It is quite easy to pull yourself up over the edge of a high building.

Eighty percent of black people are Denzel Washington.

The other twenty percent are Morgan Freeman.

Everyone undresses from the top down.

All elevators have a detachable panel in the ceiling.

All sex results in simultaneous multiple orgasm.

...except the sex which ends in murder.

All racists drive pick up trucks.

All crime bosses own a Mercedes.

All military or SWAT units must shout drill commands as they leave a vehicle.

It is always snowing in Russia.

Children and blind people are witness to more murders than anyone else.

English is the official language of the whole universe.

It's actually quite easy to land a Boeing 747.

A good cop can never have a happy marriage.

The future will be a very unpleasant place to live.

You can always run a red light in an American city without fear of being involved in a fatal pile-up.

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Some Thoughts on Life & Living

If life were like the movies