Some Thoughts on Life & Living

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Last modified: Sunday, 14 August, 2016
 

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	General thoughts on the human condition

1. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
   -- Dave Barry

2. I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"
   -- Larry Miller

3. A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. I sent them to her dad.
   -- Christopher Case

4. Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
   -- Bob Ettinger

5. My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim!"
   -- Paula Poundstone

6. A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh!
   -- Conan O'Brien

7. Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
   -- Sue Murphy

8. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
   -- Rita Mae Brown

9. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
   -- Jerry Seinfeld

10. The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

11. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
    -- Lynda Montgomery

12. I think that's how Chicago got started: a bunch of people in New York City said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west!"
    -- Richard Jeni

13. Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
    -- Paul Rodriguez

14. In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
    -- Warren Hutcherson

15. I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
    -- Lily Tomlin

16. You have to stay in shape. Take my grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
    -- Ellen DeGeneres

17. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
    -- Rita Rudner

18. I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
    -- Sue Kolinsky

19. I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
    -- Ed Bluestone

20. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
    -- Roger Simon

21. If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
    -- Gorge Gobel

22. Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.
    -- William Coronel

23. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
    -- Oscar Wilde

24. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
    -- A. Whitney Brown

25. Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself.
    -- Mark Twain

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