Some Thoughts on Life & Living

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Last modified: Sunday, 14 August, 2016
 

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	Meanwhile...

"Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline...

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

• If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

• If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
  Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

• If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferredto the mother ship.

• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

• If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press: no-one will answer, so why bother?

• If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

• If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

• If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name (as given on your birth certificate), your full address (including your ZIP+4 and/or postal code), phone number, date and time of birth, social security number and your grandmother's maiden name.

• If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

• If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

• If you have low self esteem, just hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. Why did you ever bother to call in the first place?

Thank you, and have a nice day!"

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